Russell Brand: Salvation Will Come Through Surfing

It's not all gloom for Russell Brand. Now that he's resigned from his BBC Radio 2 gig, he'll have a lot more time on his hands. Being the wild-haired Lothario that he is, he will probably be tempted to spend his extra free moments having even more sex. However, this would be a mistake. Sex will provide a short-term feeling of satisfaction but little by way of permanent stoke. Instead, the man whose surfing cameo in Forgetting Sarah Marshall is memorable precisely for the absence of anything resembling surfing should leave his woes in the metropolis and head for a place where he can hone his wave-riding skills to the max. He might even find that the media leaves him alone in the line-up. Here, then are the Five Waves For Russell Brand.

1. Backdoor Pipeline.

OK, this might be a bit gnarly for a beginner. But there's something in the name that might just appeal to Brand. It's also a break on the Hawaiian island of Oahu, thereby taking the errant comic close to the supposed setting of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Russell Brand SurfWatch Prediction: He will paddle out, get nailed, and feel purged. Image courtesy of www.allbestwallpapers.com.

2. Thurso East.

The advantage of taking refuge in the rugged Caithness town is that it's the last place anyone would look for a celebrity. It also has some rock 'n' roll waves, as Nicole Morgan, captured by Lucia Griggi at the recent Roxy Women's Open, demonstrates.

Russell Brand SurfWatch Prediction: He will take one look and decide it's too cold.

3. Hash Point.

A decent bet, this, for the sandy Moroccan point break can be OK for those at the outset of their embrace of the Sport of Kings. But will Brand cope with the extra-curricular tempatations at every turn?

Russell Brand SurfWatch Prediction: A reformed man, Brand spurns the surf and swiftly leaves town.

4. Privates.

This one was recommended by Jonathan Ross, 46.

Russell Brand SurfWatch Prediction: He rocks up in downtown Santa Cruz, gets distracted by ads proclaiming surfing's virtues and embarks upon a month-long quest to find the woman in the above image. Needless to say, he doesn't even make it out for a session at Cowell's, let alone one at the reef break just along from The Hook and Shark's Cove, one whose name so amused Jonathan Ross.

5. Phantoms.

By now, wild-haired would-be surfer Brand is thoroughly dejected. He checks into a non-descript motel in Capitola and wonders if the sport which spawned sex wax, six-foot thrusters and the notion of backdooring the peak can really save him. He watches a DVD about surfing AND sex, and it just makes things worse.

Suddenly, though, a mysterious figure appears in his hotel room. She is called Georgina, and once posed for Reef in one of its notorious ads.

"I can show you the true path," she says.

"Can we have sex first?" says Brand.

"No," says Georgina. "What's more, it's about time you stopped regarding women as mere objects. It's a radical idea, but women are people, too."

The wild-haired Brand ponders this. Then, almost as if he has caught his first wave, he sits bolt upright with an ecstatic look on his face and declaims:

"You're right. I see the error of my ways. What must I do to become a surfer and achieve enlightenment?"

Georgina gazes at the wild-haired Lothario intensely. For a moment, she is tempted to have sex with both him and Jonathan Ross, 46 (though not at the same time), but then she frees herself from the pair's spell and remembers her mission - to bring Russell Brand to surfing Nirvana.

"You must board a plane and fly to Hawaii," she says.

"I knew it!" says wild-haired Brand. "Even though I got nailed at Backdoor Pipeline I must return to the place where I first sat astride a board, in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, a very good film, have you seen it?"

 

Georgina scratches her head. "I can't remember," she says, "but that's not important right now. Perhaps one day it will be, but for now your mission is once again to travel to Oahu and go surfing."

"I will do as you say," says Brand. "Which break is it my mission to shred?"

"You must steel yourself, for this is no easy task."

"Go on," says the hirsute Brand.

"You must surf Phantoms."

"What! But that's insane! Isn't Phantoms a bit difficult for a beginner?"

Georgina fixes the wild-haired Brand with a come hither look.

"Yes," she says, "but this picture isn't of Phantoms. It's just an appetizer. Besides, if you succeed, we will have sex."

"Count me in," says Brand.

Russell Brand SurfWatch Prediction: He sublimates every ounce of his immense sex drive into surfing Phantoms. He succeeds. Yet more bizarrely, however, the experience transforms him forever. He cuts all his hair off and becomes a mere phantom of his former self. Not even Georgina's promise of sex can make him grow his hair again or lure him away from the line-up. There, in the sea, he is free of the media. He is free of sex. He is free of his ego. He is free of his demons. He is a surfer. And he realises that if only he'd been surfing all his life, he'd have been a hell of a lot happier and far less inclined to cause other people misery.

"Aloha," says the newly shaven-headed sage. And he means it.

Comments

[Neil Watson]

A classic wander through the windmills of Wade-mind. Whatever happened to Bloggish Bloke?

As for t.v presenter/media-stars seeking salvation through surfing, check this out:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EV4Jj1ygX3g

[Al Mackinnon]

Met the bloke once, quite funny in person, but seems to be a bit of a pain on television. I vote for Russel getting backdoor action at Pipeline - either getting flogged on takeoff or getting raped by some burly Hawaiian whilst bending over to pick up the soap.

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Met the bloke once, quite funny in person, but seems to be a bit of a pain on television. I vote for Russel getting backdoor action at Pipeline - either getting flogged on takeoff or getting raped by some burly Hawaiian whilst bending over to pick up the soap.

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