News from the Treatment Room

My Dear Doctor,

Re: The Patient AW

I write regarding the Patient Alex Wade (hereinafter, 'Wade'). As you recall, Wade was admitted here yesterday after a series of self-destructive and bizarre acts which culminated in the incident with the paper hat.

Regrettably, it is proving all but impossible to reach even a preliminary diagnosis of Wade's problems. His behaviour is obstructive, anti-social and, at times, violent. Last night, he stood on his head in his cell - a nice cell, one of the best we have - and ranted about how his world had turned upside down. He repeated, again and again, that usually on Tuesday evenings he plays football. This strikes me as an absurd contention, but do you know if, at some stage in his life, he did in fact play the game? I ask not because I expect this to be a fruitful line of enquiry but more so that we can eliminate the wheat from the chaff.

Another of Wade's oft-repeated statements is that surfing is 'the Sport of Kings'. He says that he never had any pretensions to the throne, but that nor does he believe in a feudal society. In his words: "All I ever wanted to do was ride waves, but I've lost the tiny ability I once had. I bottled it at head high PK the other day when surfing with Maui Surf Report. I just didn't fancy hitting the sandbank head first and breaking my neck." This, as you will agree, sounds innocent enough, but the Royalty Delusion cannot be anything other than profoundly worrying.

This morning, Wade has been ranting about not being able to rant. He refers, of course, to his surf blog, which has seen a variety of distressing indicators of insanity over the last few days. It is my view that Wade should not be allowed near his surf blog for the foreseeable future, lest he does himself and others any more damage. The key thing, at this juncture, is to try to calm him down and restore the slim sense of order that he may have once had.

As I write this, I am scrutinising Wade. He is in his cell, but I can see him via the special glass that they use in films and which we installed last year. He has written some graffiti on the blackboard, something about how good Waveriders is and how much he'd like to be allowed out to watch The Present. He is standing on the desk, moving back and forth as if on a CoolBoard, and, from just the last 24 hours or thereabouts in which I have observed him, I know what willl happen next. He will fall off the table and start ranting.

I hope to be in touch soon with a formal report.

Yours,
Professor Herman Humbert Conrad Pangloss.

PS Wade's wife gave me this photograph in which her husband is seen sparring with an Azeri boxer. Wade was younger then. Sadly Wade has no recollection of ever having been in Azerbaijan, still less sparring with Agassi Mamedov (for it is he).

Comments

[Rio]

"He is in his cell, but I can see him via the special glass that they use in films and which we installed last year."

That really made me laugh. I hope that is the real technical term for said glass, it'd be great!

[The Doctor]

Quality. Keep Alex Wade in the cell and let the Prof write the blog!

A Doctor