My Battle to Write for the Sunday Telegraph

I woke up this morning dreaming of the Sunday Telegraph. An extraordinary subject for a dream, you will agree, but it was in my Gabapentin-filled mind because I'd gone to bed last night making a mental list of all the national newspapers I've written for. Among what used to be known as the broadsheets, they are:

The Times and Sunday Times.

The Guardian and Observer.

The Independent and Independent on Sunday.

The Financial Times.

The Daily Telegraph.

Among the tabloids, they are;

The Sun.

This last was an interesting piece. Rebekah Wade, then Sun editor but no relation, asked me to pen some words about Saddam Hussein's threat to sue the Sun for invasion of privacy. At the time I was moonlighting as a lawyer for the paper and its sister title, the News of the World. I was happy to oblige, Rebekah not being a lady one says 'no' to very readily, least of all when one is her newspaper's legal advisor, and you can read the piece here. Perhaps not surprisingly, it was picked up by a variety of sources, not least the Swindon Evening Advertiser (as it then was), which ran a front page story whose first line was: "Swindon boxer Alex Wade is preparing to take on his toughest opponent yet... Saddam Hussein."

That piece for the Sun is the only one I've written for the tabloids. However, as the broadsheet list reveals, I've written for all of them except... the Sunday Telegraph. 

What to do about this? Deluge the paper with pitches? Do loads of research into what Sunday Telegraph readers want to read about? Start wearing tweed jackets or, if I'm in a nautical mood, blue blazers? Or am I wrong - has the paper moved with the times, thus demanding a sleeker, more contemporary look?

I don't know. In the great scheme of things my failure to write for every broadsheet in early 21st century Britain may not matter. But the word 'sleeker' prompts a hint of self-flagellation (only a hint, mind). For the truth, dear readers, is that having last surfed at the end of October and done nothing but walk the dogs (and not very far at that) since, I have put on half a stone. Where formerly I was as sleek as they come (That is not true. You had a gut. Ed.), now I have a gut (You had one before. It has just got bigger. Ed.). There appears to be little answer to this, for anything other than mild exercise is beyond me and starvation has never appealed. 

Perhaps, if I throw all my energy into getting a piece away for the Sunday Telegraph, I will lose weight? Come to think of it, is the fact that the only paper I haven't written for is the Sunday Telegraph worthy of a piece in its own right (You have just written it. You must be desperate. Ed.)? Perhaps I should pitch a piece to the Sunday Telegraph about the fact that I haven't yet written for the Sunday Telegraph? If they ran it, thus taking journalism into the realms of post-modernism or, depending on your point of view, absurdly narcissistic and pointless copy, what would the headline be? 

MY FAILURE TO WRITE FOR THE SUNDAY TELEGRAPH

That sounds good. But what about the strapline?

PROLIFIC FREELANCER ALEX WADE HAD WRITTEN FOR EVERYONE - EXCEPT US. READ ON FOR HIS BATTLE TO WRITE FOR THE SUNDAY TELEGRAPH. 

(I seriously hope you return to fitness soon and start surfing again. Ed.)

Image of me bravely skateboarding in the car park next to my old house, complete with excellent facial expression and with rifles brandished by sundry members of the Porthcurno Anti-Skateboarding Society trained on me, is courtesy of Ocean Image.

Comments

[Neil Watson]

Alex,
If and when the Telegraph runs your piece, the headline should be:
WADE MAKES THE GRADE.
Or is that a bit tight for the Torygraph, revealing my tabloid background maybe?

[Joanne]

Most amusing I love the way you think/talk on paper and I look forward to your article in the Sunday Telegraph.

I know what my subject would be but then I don't think the newspapers are ready for it yet.Pity!

[Roger M]

That is a very good post. Classic Wade making the Grade!