Revealed: The Fleetwood Funnel

A cardinal sin in surfing is the disclosure of a secret spot. So ingrained is this unwritten law among surfers that even my mate Aerial Attack won't tell me where a particular wave is. I've seen the photograph but if ever I venture a "Where is that very sweet little spot with a wave I'd just love to surf?" I get a "Sorry, if I told you I'd have to kill you" reply.

Indeed, the penalty, for anyone mad and bad enough to reveal a secret spot, is the contempt of the surfing fraternity and the possibility of actual bodily harm next time one turns up to surf at said spot. With this in mind, it is with a heavy heart that I publish these photographs of what, until now, was so secret a wave in British surfing that heretics thought it was a myth - the Fleetwood Funnel.

The Funnel, which is in Fleetwood, is a legendary wave which provokes debate across the land. Many people, asked about the Funnel, simply don't believe it exists. This undeserved contempt suits its ultra hard-core locals just fine. They get the Funnel to themselves.

I confess that I, too, have doubted the existence of the Funnel. But today Stef Harkon came round. Amid wielding the Kango hammer which I'd hired from Jewson's yesterday, only to find that its vibrations were a bit severe for my neck, Stef found time to brandish a magazine which, so he says, proves beyond doubt that the Fleetwood Funnel is not a white elephant.

Nor is it a pink one. In fact, as you scrutinise this magazine, itself given to Stef by his mate Brendan McCann, you will see that the Funnel is not any kind of elephant. Instead, it is a reeling, pumping, pulsating piece of pure funneling power. 

I hereby apologise to local Funnel surfers. This kind of obscure photographic evidence is so hard to find that I can't resist spreading the word. Perhaps, in fact, my willingness to break the surfers' code is down to my ongoing health woes. The neck is good, when I'm not wielding jackhammers, but the Lyme drags on. Miraculously, however, about half an hour ago I was contacted by Treliske Hospital and asked if I could attend a clinic this coming Monday. I think this may even be so that a biopsy of my rash can happen.

Little is certain, save for two things: I know now that the Fleetwood Funnel exists, and that the clinic I'm attending is called "The Interesting Cases Clinic".

Above, a man with a rod watches as the Fleetwood Funnel detonates; below, The Harkon with the evidence.

Comments

[sandy]

Hey Alex - I'm not so sure I like the look of that Fleetwood tunnel thing. Also not so sure I like the sound of the 'Interesting cases clinic'. Check out the waiting-room Dude!: If you see Elephant Man III, The three headed bearded woman and leprechaungeneticguy there - go private!
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I confess that I, too, have

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