An ASBO surfer at large

One of West Penwith's ASBO surfers has just been to my house. He parked his red post office van and walked shamelessly through the gate as if he didn't have a care in the world. Needless to say, I was worried when I saw him. What would a felon like him do? Would he trample the flower beds, or spray paint the walls, or, yet worse, denounce the flat-owners next door for their (allegedly) obsessive enforcement of their collective rights over the car park? Or perhaps he'd simply stand stock still in the middle of the garden, his arms waving at an imaginary foe - a lifeguard, for example - and threatening eternal damnation?

I need not have worried. This particular ASBO surfer was merely here to issue me with an ASBO. As he put it: "Last Friday morning, while at Gwenver, you dropped in on one of the area's best surfers. No matter that he got his revenge by doing exactly the same, mercilessly, to you. This was an offence. Thereafter, at Sennen Cove a day later, you jumped to your feet on a party wave and managed to collide with a female surfer at the end of your respective rides. No matter that collisions, on party waves, go with the territory. This was your second offence. Not content with these infringements, three days ago your dog bit another dog. It then bit the postman and tried to bite Kelly Slater's surfboard. Yes, this is a metaphor, grounded in no facts at all, but its import is clear. You are a menace. You cannot be allowed to continue to surf. Please accept service of this, an ASBO signed by everyone in West Cornwall, which we hope will keep you out of the water."

I peered at the document. It became clear that ASBO, in this instance, stands for "Alex Should Bugger Off". I said that was a bit harsh - after all, accidents happen, and let's face it, many far better surfers than me have done much worse. I also contended that really, when all is said and done, surfing is simply about paddling out and enjoying a few waves, not bureauocracy like ASBOs.

"I used to think like that, too," said the ASBO surfer, "but I have realised the error of my ways. I am no longer going to tow the line, or even toe it. Instead, I am going to campaign to see more paperwork in surfing. If we can turn surfing into a forum for power-crazed fools who like nothing better than to wield pieces of paper, my mission will have been accomplished, and my life will not have been in vain."

It seemed to me that the ASBO surfer was taking his ASBO to heart, and I said as much. "No," he said, "the problem is that you are not taking your ASBO to heart. ASBOs are a good thing. The sooner you realise this, the better the world will be."

We stood there in the sun, two ASBO surfers contemplating our fates, and then the man with red van asked if I still wanted a new shed built, one complete with board racks. Yes, I said, but will you be able to finish it? After all, aren't you a known felon, likely to be imprisoned at any moment?

"Yes, that's true," said the ASBO surfer. "But I will build your shed. For once it is built, I can come here and plot the next stage of my campaign. We must strive to issue every surfer with an ASBO before the year is out. Here will be the nerve centre of this radical roundhouse cutback of an operation."

I nodded my head, and went back to my house. I told my wife that I'd just been given an ASBO. She was unsupportive, saying only "Well, I hope that you cover this issue on www.A1surf.com from 1 October, when your blog starts with them. Now please go away."

OFFICIAL POLICE WARNING: If you see an ASBO surfer, it is best to adopt a stern and commanding air and say: "Put down that jet ski or you'll get another ASBO." It's the only language they understand.

Comments

[allie]

Don't know who your friend is but he sure got good taste in transport. Welcome to an elite club of surfers with moggy vans.

[t]

hurrah ! its about time someone breathed some life back into that vacuous site, i, along with many others were banned from posting there a while back,censored, by a coconut juggling freak in flowery trousers............. true story. Good luck A, and im looking forward to it already