Following recent revelations that the government is revising the boring old Merchant Shipping Act to make it much more interesting by designating that all surfboards are henceforth ships, I learn that a search has been launched for a specially created new role - that of Uber-Harbour Master in Charge of Shipping and Surfing.
The Uber-Master will be given a special anchor and lodgings in the Newlyn Tidal Observatory. He will be tasked with ensuring that all ships and surfboards are properly registered and fitted with state-of-the-art navigational devices before they can be taken to sea. Miscreants who refuse to acknowledge the Uber-Master will be given an ASBO and banned from the coast.
A short-list of potential Uber-Masters has been drawn up. Here are some of the candidates:
1. Aerial Attack. The Penzance-based photographer has been approached for the role but is understood to feel that there is not enough airtime involved.
2. Jonty Henshall. Who better as the Uber-Master than a poacher turned gamekeeper? Henshall, known for his abiding love of authority, is said to be "actively considering for five seconds" the chance to dish out his very own ASBOs.
3. Stef Harkon. The legendary skater, surfer and lifeguard was initially tempted, but sources say he is now too busy being filmed by ITV as the UK's coolest Dad. His daughters were unavailable for comment.
4. Russ Pierre. With Pierre having just turned 40 there is a growing body of opinion that he now has the maturity for the job. However, his partner, Jill, had this to say: "If Russ thinks he's going to be the Uber-Master, he's got another think coming."
5. Mr P. Pilot. A dark horse, he would only say: "I never like to close any doors. It drives Daisy mad."
6. Harry Wade. Although only 14 Wade Jnr has some radical ideas about the job of Uber-Master. "Does it mean I can make sure that kook who dropped in on me and hurt my arm at Spot G yesterday never surfs again?" he asked. When told that the Uber-Master's role meant precisely that, Wade Jnr laughed demonically and unhesitatingly put his name forward.
7. Zed Layson. Largely considered out of the running given that he lives in Barbados, a government representative nevertheless confirms that a research trip to Mr Layson's abode is underway because, as she put it, "We've heard he's a bit of a dude and it would be discriminatory not to consider him. Besides, how does the Bajan Uber-Master function? I'd like to know."
8. Colin Briers. Largely considered out of the running given that he lives in Costa Rica, a government representative nevertheless confirms that a research trip to Mr Briers' abode is underway because, as she put it, "We've heard he's a bit of a dude and it would be discriminatory not to consider him. Besides, how does the Californian Uber-Master in Costa Rica function? I'd like to know."
9. Tony Plant. The people's choice. Tall, unshaven, usually barefoot and capable of looking very scary, Plant said that if the appropriate contractual formalities could be agreed, he would consult his lawyers and give any such offer as was forthcoming "all due consideration".
10. Alan Stokes. Flush from his excellent 5th place in the Boardmasters and still as handsome as ever, Stokes is the PR's choice. But which one?
11. Andy Martin. The "card-carrying aficionado of big wave Hawaiian surfing" was not enamoured of the idea of a British Uber-Master for surfing and shipping. "It sounds strange to me," he said. "After all, everyone knows that British surfing is an oxymoron. That being the case, how can there be a legitimate need for an Uber-Master? For shipping, yes, but surely not for surfing. In reality, we're looking at a conventional harbour master's role, and I'm sorry, I don't think it's for me." Martin did allow, though, that he'd be interested if regular trips to Oahu were part of the package.
12. Alex Wade. Government officials are undecided about whether to approach Wade. The unstable 43-year-old was recently declared uninsurable by Scottish Widows but showed his characteristic resolve in the face of adversity when, in conversation with the company's leading underwriter about his reasons for making such an ostensibly draconian and unfair decision, he offered him a fight. The offer was not taken up and Wade is presently thought to be so full of unspent aggression that he could make for a highly effective Uber-Master. Perhaps, indeed, the Newlyn Tidal Observatory, within staggering diatance of The Swordfish, reputedly England's fourth hardest pub, is the perfect place for Wade. However, when contacted he had this to say: "I was stoked to see QPR beat Exeter City 5-0 at St James's Park last night and there wasn't a surfboard, still less a ship, in sight. Moreover, I believe in peace and harmony and have no wish to go round being in conflict with anyone, except for that twat from Scottish Widows."
Pictured: The Swordfish, a top pub at which Wade would like to have a drink (coffee - black, no sugar) with Scottish Widows' underwriter.
Does the Swordfish still have "Deal of the Week?"
For Uber Meister I would propose Steve Jameson, excellent reputation, has worked and trained with past Uber Uber Meisters, Briant(x2) Cattran, Sagar and he has a bloody great dog....
Posted by: Gram | August 12, 2009 at 10:05 PM
Top post. Good to see this blog back in action and asking the questions that no other blog thinks of!
Posted by: Alan J | August 13, 2009 at 09:29 AM